No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
