I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
