Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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