On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
