My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
