This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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