I'm pants shitting drunk right now
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
