You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i've created a new STD.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
