Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Semen is not good for contacts.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
