I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
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Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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