I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
