just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
