Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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