I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
