he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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