what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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