i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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