I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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