Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
