I wish my penis had an off switch
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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