smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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