I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
there is puke in my bra ... again
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
