Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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