I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
