By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She said her name was "party"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
