So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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