an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
