I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you traded sex for a burrito?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
