I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
