ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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