you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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