I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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