Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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