woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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