Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
