she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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