i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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