exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
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I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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