getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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