He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
