I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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