don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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