Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
In America we eat man semen.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
3 2 1 whiskey
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
