Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
