I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize