You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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