i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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