What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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