Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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