I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
