i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
