Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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