So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
These tits shall not be calmed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
