so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
