I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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