I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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