I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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