What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
