She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
