i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
